Seems so simple...

I’ve been home from Shambhala for almost two weeks now. I’ve done a sitting meditation for at least 10 minutes on all but three days. I’ve done some shamatha yoga sporadically, and a walking meditation or two, as well. I made my own little meditation shrine, a dedicated spot, in hopes of training my twitchy muscle memory that being in that spot means, “Relax…it’s quiet time.” I bought a gomden – the Shambhala version of a meditation cushion, rectangular, 6-8” thick, very firm. The gomden makes a cross-legged sitting posture easy even for stiff westerners.

Even with the acoutrements, it’s tricky trying to maintain a practice back home amid the constant demands of daily life. Yesterday was the first day I felt settled enough to not want to stop at 10 minutes (I have a timer for now, so I won’t mistake 3 minutes for 10).

Sitting still is hard enough for me, but gently shooing away thoughts has always been the real meditation-undoer – Turning the Mind Into an Ally describes the constant flow of thoughts as a waterfall. But for me, it’s more like water under extreme pressure, let loose from a dam on the Missouri. No peace in this brain, pardner. In fact, here’s a sampling of today’s hydroblast-of-consciousness:

• Breathe.
• This is my breath.
• This lotus has three rows of petals.
• I could knit a lotus blossom.
• My breath is like a fern uncurling in two directions from my solar plexus.
• Whitewhitewhitewhitewhite linen.
• Breath.
• If the incense smoke flattens out, will that mean I’m more disciplined?
• That’s an orchard oriole.
• Breath.
• Breath is grounding.
• Those combines should slow down on this road.
• Breath is like heaven & earth – inhale lifts the shoulders, ribs, belly; exhale brings all down to earth again.
• Even if they’re pretty thoughts, they’re still thoughts.
• Thoughts.
• Thoughts about breathing are still thoughts.
• Don’t think about breathing. Just breathe.

So in between deluges, I try just to pay attention to my breath, to be aware of it. But the “I” who’s trying to pay attention is still holding on to the “I” who thinks about paying attention while trying to pay attention. See the problem? Seems so simple, and yet…